Tag: music

Leave the sad an the wrong buried safely in the past

One little song
Give me strength to leave the sad and the wrong
Buried safely in the past where I’ve been living
Alive but unforgiving
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

Christmas seems to be a time of year when many of us are facing our old “demons” again. This time of reflection and stillness, when the year comes to a halt, seems to be calling for a confrontation with our innermost – and old childhood memories and experience that had long been forgotten, or buried deep down in our subconscious, sometimes pop up again. Even more so when gathering with family and old friends from the past.
For me, this has certainly been the case.

Spending some time in the house where I grew up, without really noticing I got caught up again in emotional states I thought I had long left behind me. Old grudges surfaced again like old annoying acquaintances and led to all sorts of unhealthy behavior. And, what’s worse, unhealthy ways of thinking. About those close to me, but especially about myself. It seemed as if my whole concept of self, of who I am, who I want to, can, and am allowed to be, had to be renegotiated.

…the past where I’ve been living / Alive but unforgiving

And the more I became aware of this, the more I struggled with this dilemma. I didn’t want to feel the way I felt and so I became virtually obsessed with attempting to finally get rid of these destructive beliefs and behavioral patterns. I wanted to let go of all the childhood trauma and to finally forgive those I found myself to still hold a grudge against. Easier said than done. And so I started pitying myself for being so entangled in my past. Again.

But what can you actively do to finally let go of the past and move on, in a healthy way? I still don’t have an answer to this and I admit that I’m probably not even halfway there. But an idea crossed my mind that I encountered during my NLP training a couple of years ago. Which is that, by focusing on something we do NOT want, we are still focusing on this very unwanted thing – behavior, thought, whatever it might be. And by focusing on it we fuel it with even more energy and attention, making it almost impossible to let go of this issue. The well-known idea that energy flows where attention goes.


…change this way of living

Clearly the attempt to consciously let go did not work. And so, when someone close to me suggested to try something new, make an experiment, I decided to give it a try. There wasn’t much else I could do anyway.

And I came to think that, maybe, it’s not so much about letting go, but rather about letting be. About embracing what is and what has been, and accepting that our past is a part of us. And about reminding ourselves that we are still free to choose anew, each day, in which direction we want to go and which thoughts and ideas we want to cultivate.

At least this is what I am doing now. And what this song by the Avett Brothers keeps reminding me of: that we aren’t captives of our past and that we are free to decide to move on however we like.

And so far it has been working for me. Interestingly, since I accepted these old emotional states and beliefs to be a part of me, they seem to have faded a bit and lost some power.

And so I feel ready to welcome the new year – a year where I will be able to choose, each day, who I want to be and in which direction I want to proceed.

Souls like the wings
Spreading out, away from bad memories
Make us capable of taking off and landing
Alive with understanding.

May it be a year full of new beginnings and happiness for all of us.

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My share of epiphanies

It is the time of year some here refer to as „Raunaechte“, or, as Wikipedia told me, “the twelve nights”. Many consider it a time of increased openness to the messages of the universe or your inner voice, or whatever you wish to call it. A time of epiphanies, so to speak.

As far as I am aware, there has been constant debate as to the actual beginning of the twelve nights; many, however, have it that it starts as early as at midwinter. So, basically, now.

And, quite fittingly, I have already been blessed with my share of epiphanies already. As soon as I started to get back in touch with myself, and while I was still pondering on the question if anybody really cared about what I did, all of a sudden I have been receiving all sorts of positive feedback and notes of affection. And I am deeply touched by learning that I seem to have actually had an impact on people’s lives. And that I have been inspiring others by my way of being. People I wasn’t even aware took notice of me.

And this makes me grateful. And, to quote from one of my favorite authors, so I am glad.

So today I just want to say thank you. And to remind you that you matter. Because you add this certain sparkle to the world only you can add.
Each single one of you.

So here it is, Merry Christmas
Everybody’s having fun
Look to the future now
it’s only just begun!

Happy Christmas to all of you beautiful people out there.

In myself

Even though I had written about letting go of what others thought about us and despite this eye opening experience in Tel Aviv this feeling of being judged somehow lingered on. I fact, it was as if, once I had recognized it for what it was and seemed to have learned my lesson, the whole thing decided to blow up in my face again, like in a desperate attempt to stay.

Couldn’t relax, couldn’t sit back,
and let the sun light in my lap

Ironically, the more I did – even when doing what I used to LIKE doing – the more it felt subject to the judgement of others. Or was it my own judgement? I was so focused on moving on that I felt like having to meet certain criteria all the time. Without even knowing for sure which, or whose, criteria these were.
Of course, this ruined it all for me.

II realized I had to change something. And in my attempt to escape this situation, instead of actually changing something I automatically chose to intensify the whole dilemma. And I ended up striving to get from the outside world which, after all, I could only give to myself.

So lately I got a bit lost in attention seeking.
And yes, I did get plenty of attention. In fact, I got even more than I was prepared to handle and than I had wished for in some regards.
What a compliment. And what a gift to the ego.
But not, unfortunately, to me.
Which I realized when I found myself feeling more and more disconnected. And kind of numb. The joys of life didn’t feel pleasant anymore. What I had liked doing didn’t appeal to me. Those usually close to me felt distant and far away. However, the pressure remained.

I’ve found what I’ve been looking for in myself

It’s funny how, the moment I became aware that all this attention from outside wouldn’t bring me forward, things started to somehow resolve themselves. Which doesn’t imply that it wasn’t, at times, a painful process. Realizing that the attention I had received from outside was not what I had wished to take it for in many cases certainly hurt. But at the same time this realization pointed me back to the source that could give me all I ever needed.

Which was myself.

And there I found it: the connection to myself; and my self-awarenss.
And with it, the awareness that those close to me had been there all the time. Thinking of me and supporting me.

From the concrete to the coast,
I was looking for a holy ghost,
Like the land joining the sea,
Happiness it followed me.

It felt exactly as described in this beautiful song by Marina and the Diamonds.

And finally, again, I have found a way to be happy.

 

Let us make a change

“The time has come for you to see
That love is something else you practice it to be
The line is long
For you and me
That leads us to the very debt of our hearts
We’re still on the surface deceiving ourselves
Inside we hate,
And want to see our best friends fall?”

After the events of last week I am still trying to grasp what has happened.

Many people have given their opinions on Facebook and elsewehere, and what was there to analyze has been analyzed.

And still I am paralyzed and speechless: How could we possibly just move on with our daily business after what has happened?
In the face of the events in Iraq, Lebanon and Paris, everything I had been working on suddenly seemed to be meaningless, useless and a complete waste of time.

So I am posting this one instead and sharing a song that covers many of the thoughts I’ve been having these days.

“You talk about peace/Put it in your mouth/The same mouth you use to declare your bombs”

You might call me naive, tell me about all sorts of constraints, musts and “cannots” – still I just don’t get why the sole answer to the attacks so many people can think of seems to be yet more war and weapons. Instead of cultivating humanity, and practicing love and forgiveness.
In fact, I think that these are the days when we should be reminded over and over again of that quote by Martin Luther King.

“Let us make a change why can’ t we turn the page?”

This is what I will stick to. Of course, we can’t stop living our lives. Somehowe it will go on.
But I hope that at least some people will take last week’s events as a reminder of how urgently this world needs kindness.

Even if I wanted to

So here I am, back from New York.

The ten days I spent there were so amazingly rich that, looking back, it feels like I have been away a month.

So here I am, in Berlin again. And yet, still in New York. And so I have spent my first week back in my old life trying to find my way back into it. After experiencing this feeling of ultimate freedom, happiness and anything being possible so intensely for those ten days I suddenly found it hard to confine myself again, to all the tasks and to dos and duties, which were still here, pending in the air and impatiently waiting for me to tackle them. Without me having the slightest idea where to start and what to do next to achieve…well…everything. To at least start moving again and resuming my life. And to find pleasure in the things I so loved again.

And so, panic took over. That reassuring part of me that always knows that life will go on and phases such as the one I am in right now will pass eventually suddenly seemed to be lost in the depths of my fears and doubts. And everyone around me, all my friends and my role models, seemed to be successful with such ease, while I could not even figure out my next step. Let alone follow suit. And while I stood there being paralyzed, my mind went havoc in its search for possible solutions. Which all did not seem to fit. So, in the end, this only added to this grim feeling of helplessnes.

Not being able to make sense of my life I felt that, maybe, I did not make sense. And that maybe I, with all my talents and gifts, my ideas and dreams, just did not fit in with this world.

Needless to say, no matching song found me. This seemed to hold true even for the Lollapalooza Festival, which took place in Berlin for the first time and which I attended with my friends. In fact, the first day turned out to be a series of mishaps leading to my friends and me missing most of the first part and then losing each other without any hope of finding each other again in the crowd.

And when things clearly could not feel any more disastrous – after spending half of the day on my own, frantically writing text messages which did no get out, after actually being peed on by a drunk guy who missed the bottle in which he tried to relieve himself, and while being harrassed by another drunk guy with the worst cockney English I have ever heard  – the final act saved my day.

I remembered loving this song a couple of years ago. And tuned in with the chorus and started singing along just like that. My world went a little brighter. The drunk guy was gone. And at that moment I just knew that life, however, would go on and the wheel would start turning again eventually.

I am aware that this is actually a song on gay love. But I am sure that Macklemore would not mind me borrowing it. After all, the central message, as I understand it, is this: that you are who you are and that you are perfect the way you are. No changing required.

So on that very evening, that song reminded me that I and my way of being do make sense. And that I would not be here like I am if I was not meant to be. Even if sometimes I feel like I do not fit in with this society. And even if I do not feel able to follow my friends’ suit. Since they all have their way and I have my own. Which, I am sure, will open up eventually and show me the next step to take.

As that quote by Shams Tabrizi, that close friend of Rumi says, which, fittingly, I found on Facebook today:

“Whatever happens to you, don’t fall in despair. Even if all the doors are closed, a secret path will be there for you that no one knows. You can’t see it yet but so many paradises are at the end of this path. Be grateful! It is easy to thank after obtaining what you want, thank before having what you want.”

So this has been my hymn for the past few days. Which keeps assuring me that, in the end, things will start moving again. And for the moment, this is enough to keep me going.

Because I can’t change, even if I tried. Or even if I wanted to.

(And I don’t want to anyway 🙂 )