Even though I had written about letting go of what others thought about us and despite this eye opening experience in Tel Aviv this feeling of being judged somehow lingered on. I fact, it was as if, once I had recognized it for what it was and seemed to have learned my lesson, the whole thing decided to blow up in my face again, like in a desperate attempt to stay.
Couldn’t relax, couldn’t sit back,
and let the sun light in my lap
Ironically, the more I did – even when doing what I used to LIKE doing – the more it felt subject to the judgement of others. Or was it my own judgement? I was so focused on moving on that I felt like having to meet certain criteria all the time. Without even knowing for sure which, or whose, criteria these were.
Of course, this ruined it all for me.
II realized I had to change something. And in my attempt to escape this situation, instead of actually changing something I automatically chose to intensify the whole dilemma. And I ended up striving to get from the outside world which, after all, I could only give to myself.
So lately I got a bit lost in attention seeking.
And yes, I did get plenty of attention. In fact, I got even more than I was prepared to handle and than I had wished for in some regards.
What a compliment. And what a gift to the ego.
But not, unfortunately, to me.
Which I realized when I found myself feeling more and more disconnected. And kind of numb. The joys of life didn’t feel pleasant anymore. What I had liked doing didn’t appeal to me. Those usually close to me felt distant and far away. However, the pressure remained.
I’ve found what I’ve been looking for in myself
It’s funny how, the moment I became aware that all this attention from outside wouldn’t bring me forward, things started to somehow resolve themselves. Which doesn’t imply that it wasn’t, at times, a painful process. Realizing that the attention I had received from outside was not what I had wished to take it for in many cases certainly hurt. But at the same time this realization pointed me back to the source that could give me all I ever needed.
Which was myself.
And there I found it: the connection to myself; and my self-awarenss.
And with it, the awareness that those close to me had been there all the time. Thinking of me and supporting me.
From the concrete to the coast,
I was looking for a holy ghost,
Like the land joining the sea,
Happiness it followed me.
It felt exactly as described in this beautiful song by Marina and the Diamonds.
And finally, again, I have found a way to be happy.