Tag: intuition

In myself

Even though I had written about letting go of what others thought about us and despite this eye opening experience in Tel Aviv this feeling of being judged somehow lingered on. I fact, it was as if, once I had recognized it for what it was and seemed to have learned my lesson, the whole thing decided to blow up in my face again, like in a desperate attempt to stay.

Couldn’t relax, couldn’t sit back,
and let the sun light in my lap

Ironically, the more I did – even when doing what I used to LIKE doing – the more it felt subject to the judgement of others. Or was it my own judgement? I was so focused on moving on that I felt like having to meet certain criteria all the time. Without even knowing for sure which, or whose, criteria these were.
Of course, this ruined it all for me.

II realized I had to change something. And in my attempt to escape this situation, instead of actually changing something I automatically chose to intensify the whole dilemma. And I ended up striving to get from the outside world which, after all, I could only give to myself.

So lately I got a bit lost in attention seeking.
And yes, I did get plenty of attention. In fact, I got even more than I was prepared to handle and than I had wished for in some regards.
What a compliment. And what a gift to the ego.
But not, unfortunately, to me.
Which I realized when I found myself feeling more and more disconnected. And kind of numb. The joys of life didn’t feel pleasant anymore. What I had liked doing didn’t appeal to me. Those usually close to me felt distant and far away. However, the pressure remained.

I’ve found what I’ve been looking for in myself

It’s funny how, the moment I became aware that all this attention from outside wouldn’t bring me forward, things started to somehow resolve themselves. Which doesn’t imply that it wasn’t, at times, a painful process. Realizing that the attention I had received from outside was not what I had wished to take it for in many cases certainly hurt. But at the same time this realization pointed me back to the source that could give me all I ever needed.

Which was myself.

And there I found it: the connection to myself; and my self-awarenss.
And with it, the awareness that those close to me had been there all the time. Thinking of me and supporting me.

From the concrete to the coast,
I was looking for a holy ghost,
Like the land joining the sea,
Happiness it followed me.

It felt exactly as described in this beautiful song by Marina and the Diamonds.

And finally, again, I have found a way to be happy.

 

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This world’s crazy

Baby, baby
Ain’t it true
I’m immortal
When I ‘m with you
But I want a pistol
In my hand
I wanna go to
A different land

So I’ve come to learn that there seem to be different shades of letting go.

And I ended up finding myself in that state of inner chaos, like riding on a roller coaster going up and down without an end, feeling both thrilled and….yes: terryfied.

…like it’s the end of the world.

All of a sudden, this headless “hit you in your face” sensation, which, to me, is so perfectly expressed by PJ Harvey‘s song, also hit me. And, with my head still up in the clouds, at the same time I realized that I might have practiced the art of letting go to such an extent that, in the end, I had let go of myself. And of everything that matters to me. I had so gladly, happily dived into all those little amusements life offers that in the end they, and not I myself, seemed to rule my world. I was lost in distraction.

Gradually, this hilarious feeling of complete carefreeness and freedom had taken on a morbid tinge – the happy chaos had become frightening.

I walk on concrete
I walk on sand
But I can’t find
A safe place to stand
I’m scared baby
I wanna run
This world’s crazy
Gimme the gun

I knew I wanted to get out of this situation and back to myself. So, trying to readjust and to get back on track I let my inner critic take over. Which, in its assiduous attempts to regain control of the situation didn’t really help. Instead, it added to all the pressure I felt. And, again, to my being in a stalemate.

So what do you do when you are lost and at the same time feel the urge to do something sensible and successful? And, also at the same time, seem to be completely abandoned by intuition and creativity?

Since there wasn’t much I felt able to do anyway I decided to do…nothing.

And go for a walk in the park instead.

Inhale the fresh air. Feel the sunbeams. Stop thinking. Stop questioning myself. And stop fearing.

I have once heard one of my favourite speakers suggest to just say “yes” to everything you encounter for a while, and then see what happens.
Turns out he was right.

In accepting the situation as it was I could virtually feel the tension reselase. That well known feeling of pressure subsided. And intuition seemed to flow back to me.

And so, after all, I have picked my shade of letting go. Instead of letting go of myself, or of pursuing my dreams, I decided to let go of that pressure to solve any given problem asap; and of the pressure to make each day a perfect day.

And to sometimes just say “yes” and keep going.

A little bit closer to feeling fine

I’ve been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I’ve been living on coffee and nicotine
I’ve been wondering if all the things I’ve seen
Were ever real, were ever really happening?

Apart from the nicotine, this pretty much sums up what has been going on in the past days. And is still going on. Which is somehow thrilling. And at the same time frightening.

It seems as if my life and me, somehow, have started moving again. And I am still not sure in which direction. But maybe, this is how it is supposed to be.

After Macklemore had saved me on that disastrous Lollapalooza Saturday I could literally watch things improve. On the following Sunday, everything was better organized, including me and my best friend, whom I had also failed to find the day before. We stuck together throughout the whole day and had a blast listening and jumping and dancing to the beat of our favourite bands. And I found it to be true that sometimes, all you need is that one friend. At the end of the day, I left the festival with my hope being restored – still without the slightest idea as to which step to take next, but curious about what life would bring me.

In this mood, I returned back to work and I managed to keep it up even though I did not seem to succeed in making any significant move. It was also during this time that one morning I listened to that familiar song on the radio and suddenly found something resonating inside of me.

Still feeling drawn between so many things that I wanted to do I felt unable to select and focus on just one of them. Which stopped me from making any move whatsoever. In this state of indecision I decided to for once decide on nothing at all and let fate, or life, or whatever you might want to call it, take over instead.

Ever since then I could not stop wondering about this one question: Is it true that, to achieve a meaningful life, you have to find out what makes you happy and then focus on this single thing with all your might until you finally succeed?  – An idea which I have encountered over and over again following all these motivational speakers and inspiring personalities I so admire.

Or is it better to let go and follow the voice of your intuition to wherever it may take you, without any predefined goal, and with both heart and mind wide open for whatever influences might hit you? And to thus take the alluring advice of that song?

Jump in, let’s go
Lay back, enjoy the show
Everybody gets high, everybody gets low
These are the days when anything goes

Without thinking much, and for the first time completely ignoring my inner critic going berserk time and again, I somehow ended up following the second approach and dived right into life without any obvious purpose whatsoever. I connected with friends, hosted people from all over the world, made even more friends, started reading books again, was at times addicted to all sorts of social media (there are so many of them!), experienced both loneliness and the happiest moments, found my passion in writing and found even more pleasure in singing … all that happening at the same time.

And all along, this song by Shery Crow accompanied me, seemingly supporting me in my choice, or rather, non-choice.

I still have not found the answer to my question. I have the feeling, though, that maybe, both alternatives are somehow right. Maybe there is a time for each of them. Recently, there have been first signs that my letting go and my openness might not have been the worst decision. And that I might be on the brink of new, promising developments.

So maybe, hopefully, I have chosen the right path, and I am curious to find out where it will lead me.