Ain’t it true
When I ‘m with you
But I want a pistol
In my hand
I wanna go to
A different land
So I’ve come to learn that there seem to be different shades of letting go.
And I ended up finding myself in that state of inner chaos, like riding on a roller coaster going up and down without an end, feeling both thrilled and….yes: terryfied.
…like it’s the end of the world.
All of a sudden, this headless “hit you in your face” sensation, which, to me, is so perfectly expressed by PJ Harvey‘s song, also hit me. And, with my head still up in the clouds, at the same time I realized that I might have practiced the art of letting go to such an extent that, in the end, I had let go of myself. And of everything that matters to me. I had so gladly, happily dived into all those little amusements life offers that in the end they, and not I myself, seemed to rule my world. I was lost in distraction.
Gradually, this hilarious feeling of complete carefreeness and freedom had taken on a morbid tinge – the happy chaos had become frightening.
I walk on concrete
I walk on sand
But I can’t find
A safe place to stand
I’m scared baby
I wanna run
This world’s crazy
Gimme the gun
I knew I wanted to get out of this situation and back to myself. So, trying to readjust and to get back on track I let my inner critic take over. Which, in its assiduous attempts to regain control of the situation didn’t really help. Instead, it added to all the pressure I felt. And, again, to my being in a stalemate.
So what do you do when you are lost and at the same time feel the urge to do something sensible and successful? And, also at the same time, seem to be completely abandoned by intuition and creativity?
Since there wasn’t much I felt able to do anyway I decided to do…nothing.
And go for a walk in the park instead.
Inhale the fresh air. Feel the sunbeams. Stop thinking. Stop questioning myself. And stop fearing.
I have once heard one of my favourite speakers suggest to just say “yes” to everything you encounter for a while, and then see what happens.
Turns out he was right.
In accepting the situation as it was I could virtually feel the tension reselase. That well known feeling of pressure subsided. And intuition seemed to flow back to me.
And so, after all, I have picked my shade of letting go. Instead of letting go of myself, or of pursuing my dreams, I decided to let go of that pressure to solve any given problem asap; and of the pressure to make each day a perfect day.
And to sometimes just say “yes” and keep going.