Category: Music

If you wanna go where the rainbows end…

“If you knew you had only one more year to live,
what would you do?”

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine, discussing that very question. And I had the answer ready even before I had raised this question: Of course, I would quit my job at once, take what little money I have put aside and travel the world. Get in touch with people everywhere and learn about foreign cultures. Just because I knew that this would be the thing that would most make me happy. There was no question about it.
And still, I regarded it impossible. But while I was still going on about all the reasons why, of course, this option was not available to me, he simply said:

“Do it!”

And with that answer, as if he had granted me permission to seriously consider this “childish” idea that had been hiding at the back of my mind for a long time, I could sense a slight, but clearly perceivable, feeling of freedom and happiness – as if, somewhere deep inside of me, something was rejoicing.

So it seems no wonder that, lately, I have found myself resonating especially with songs about this issue. Songs not only about travelling, but rather about setting off, and songs about taking that step into the unknown and following your heart’s calling. Just as this cover of a Tom Waits song by Rebekka Bakken.

Ever since that discussion I have been musing on this idea. I started thinking about actually making it reality. And I have come to a point where I do consider it a possibility at least in parts.

But still, I am wondering about this concept of following the true calling of your heart, by finding out about what truely makes you happy and turning this into that one big goal. On which you should focus with all your energy. Is this really the only sensible approach to living a purposeful life? And how do I even know if – just because they feel good  – the things that make me happy now will eventually lead me to “the ultimate goal”?

And if I failed – wouldn’t I then have left all my safety nets behind? How can I make sure of the outcome if I just follow an idea out of a whim, just because, now, it feels good? And without knowing where it might take me?
This is where, again, that song kicks in:

If you want to go
where the rainbows end
you’ll have to say goodbye
all our dreams come true
baby up ahead

And then a friend shared a video with me recently. In this video, Australian comedian, actor, and musician Tim Minchin kind of laughingly discloses his “nine life lessons”. Starting off with the lapidary statement that “you don’t have to have a dream”.

Wait, what?!

Granted, that kept me thinking for a while. Until I finally realized that I might indeed have got the whole idea wrong. At least to me, Minchin made a point by implying that focussing on that one big dream you might miss out on your life completely. In fact, I found it to be true for myself that whenever I assign very high importance to a goal (and what could be more important than living your true calling?) I put a lot of pressure on myself that whatever I do must bring me closer to that one goal. This seems to be the apporach I have always taken.

So for once, with Minchin’s words in mind and supported by all those beautiful songs, eventually, I decided to try something new:
Yes, I am going to travel, and by doing so, I will be pursuing the road that seems to be the one I want to have a look at now.

And why shouldn’t it be true that by following our heart’s current cravings we are heading for a direction that eventually brings us where we are supposed to be – no matter if we have a clear picture of it now?

Well, the road’s out before me
and the moon is shining bright

And so my next trip is going to start as early as tomorrow.

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Let us make a change

“The time has come for you to see
That love is something else you practice it to be
The line is long
For you and me
That leads us to the very debt of our hearts
We’re still on the surface deceiving ourselves
Inside we hate,
And want to see our best friends fall?”

After the events of last week I am still trying to grasp what has happened.

Many people have given their opinions on Facebook and elsewehere, and what was there to analyze has been analyzed.

And still I am paralyzed and speechless: How could we possibly just move on with our daily business after what has happened?
In the face of the events in Iraq, Lebanon and Paris, everything I had been working on suddenly seemed to be meaningless, useless and a complete waste of time.

So I am posting this one instead and sharing a song that covers many of the thoughts I’ve been having these days.

“You talk about peace/Put it in your mouth/The same mouth you use to declare your bombs”

You might call me naive, tell me about all sorts of constraints, musts and “cannots” – still I just don’t get why the sole answer to the attacks so many people can think of seems to be yet more war and weapons. Instead of cultivating humanity, and practicing love and forgiveness.
In fact, I think that these are the days when we should be reminded over and over again of that quote by Martin Luther King.

“Let us make a change why can’ t we turn the page?”

This is what I will stick to. Of course, we can’t stop living our lives. Somehowe it will go on.
But I hope that at least some people will take last week’s events as a reminder of how urgently this world needs kindness.

Smile!

How could I have missed out on Brian Wilson so long?

I’ve owned a CD by the Beach Boys for several years, listened to it occasionally, quite liked it and that was it.

But then, recently, searching for a good DVD to watch (yes, I do belong to those few old school people who still listen to CDs and rent DVDs from the video store) I came across this biopic about Brian Wilson, entitled “Love and Mercy“. And decided to give it a go, since it seemed to promise just about enough of drama for a solitary evening with myself. And, well, it had John Cusack in it.

And what I saw left me deeply impressed. And got me thinking.

I am aware that what I watched is actually a piece of fiction and that there is not just a slight chance of the story being sugar-coated. Still, after doing some research and after, for the first time, paying actual attention to the music Brian Wilson has created, I am still, if not even more, impressed by this amazing character and the story of his life.

One thing that struck me most was to witness how a guy with such an outstanding talent kept struggling and doubting himself for large parts of his life because of people telling him what he wasn’t supposed to do, that what he did wasn’t good and, what is even worse, what he supposedly could not do. It virtually hurt to see how he, as a result, kept himself back for such a long time and just did not dare let out what treasure was inside of him.

So there was his father who kept neglecting him and turned him down time and again, telling him his music simply was not good enough. And even when he had been successful with the Beach Boys for a while, he still lacked support from his fellow band members. Who, constantly pointing to what people would be used to and allegedly wanted to hear, tried to cling to the success of their beginnings and were reluctant to try something too innovative.

As the story unfolded, I watched these dynamics continue when, later in his life, a therapist made him a captive of a diagnosis that, as turned out later, was wrong. So Brian Wilson ended up being badly drugged, constantly monitored and bossed around like an unlucky child.
Not able to be creative at all. And seemingly believing in all these limits the alleged diagnosis was imposing on him.

Luckily, someone reminded Brian Wilson of his possibilities and his family took action. So that, eventually, he was freed from his manipulative therapist’s clutches.
A few years later he got married; and, finally, he got to publish this amazingly innovative and highly acclaimed album “Smile” which had been waiting for publication since the sixties.

Since I discovered it, this album has been my constant companion and keeps consoling me whenever I run the risk of loosing faith.

Apart from the fact that in Wilson’s case, he was misdiagnosed, I know from own experience how a diagnosis – even a correct one – can hold you back. In fact, I have lived large parts of my life believing in the things I could not do or was not able to achieve due to my unconventional heart. When it comes to a heart condtion – or any kind of “medical disorder” – the media are full with stories telling how badly off these patients are and what problems and limitations they face. While doctors try to help their patients by correcting or curing their disorders.
And while I know it to be true that, yes, such a condition does bring limitations and problems, I think that by exclusively focusing on what is wrong, and what is impossible for these people, we only add to the burden they carry anyway.

Speaking of limitations, I am pretty sure that it doesn’t even need a diagnosis for people to feel limited, if they only listen to all these omnipresent voices telling them what is impossible and how they could not succeed. How they were not good enough in what they did or how they were bound to fail with their ideas and dreams. And also this, I have experienced myself.

So I am thankful that I stumbled across this movie, Brian Wilson’s music and the tragic, yet inspiring story of his life. I was lucky enough to find this video of his live performance of “Smile” on youtube, and I guess I do not have to mention that by now I own the DVD.

Because this music has been a constant source of inspiration and comfort to me and it keeps reminding me of what is possible if you free your mind from the idea that you can’t make it.

So  why not focus on what IS possible for once? And why not ask yourself what COULD be possible, if you only tried?

And then see what happens?

Looking for another perspective on "disorders" and their symptoms? Read this amazing article by Eileen Laird: My body is not my enemy.

Image credits:
"Keep smiling" by Rachel Kramer
https://goo.gl/fb3IF1
is licensed under a Creatice Commons license:
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

This world’s crazy

Baby, baby
Ain’t it true
I’m immortal
When I ‘m with you
But I want a pistol
In my hand
I wanna go to
A different land

So I’ve come to learn that there seem to be different shades of letting go.

And I ended up finding myself in that state of inner chaos, like riding on a roller coaster going up and down without an end, feeling both thrilled and….yes: terryfied.

…like it’s the end of the world.

All of a sudden, this headless “hit you in your face” sensation, which, to me, is so perfectly expressed by PJ Harvey‘s song, also hit me. And, with my head still up in the clouds, at the same time I realized that I might have practiced the art of letting go to such an extent that, in the end, I had let go of myself. And of everything that matters to me. I had so gladly, happily dived into all those little amusements life offers that in the end they, and not I myself, seemed to rule my world. I was lost in distraction.

Gradually, this hilarious feeling of complete carefreeness and freedom had taken on a morbid tinge – the happy chaos had become frightening.

I walk on concrete
I walk on sand
But I can’t find
A safe place to stand
I’m scared baby
I wanna run
This world’s crazy
Gimme the gun

I knew I wanted to get out of this situation and back to myself. So, trying to readjust and to get back on track I let my inner critic take over. Which, in its assiduous attempts to regain control of the situation didn’t really help. Instead, it added to all the pressure I felt. And, again, to my being in a stalemate.

So what do you do when you are lost and at the same time feel the urge to do something sensible and successful? And, also at the same time, seem to be completely abandoned by intuition and creativity?

Since there wasn’t much I felt able to do anyway I decided to do…nothing.

And go for a walk in the park instead.

Inhale the fresh air. Feel the sunbeams. Stop thinking. Stop questioning myself. And stop fearing.

I have once heard one of my favourite speakers suggest to just say “yes” to everything you encounter for a while, and then see what happens.
Turns out he was right.

In accepting the situation as it was I could virtually feel the tension reselase. That well known feeling of pressure subsided. And intuition seemed to flow back to me.

And so, after all, I have picked my shade of letting go. Instead of letting go of myself, or of pursuing my dreams, I decided to let go of that pressure to solve any given problem asap; and of the pressure to make each day a perfect day.

And to sometimes just say “yes” and keep going.

A little bit closer to feeling fine

I’ve been swimming in a sea of anarchy
I’ve been living on coffee and nicotine
I’ve been wondering if all the things I’ve seen
Were ever real, were ever really happening?

Apart from the nicotine, this pretty much sums up what has been going on in the past days. And is still going on. Which is somehow thrilling. And at the same time frightening.

It seems as if my life and me, somehow, have started moving again. And I am still not sure in which direction. But maybe, this is how it is supposed to be.

After Macklemore had saved me on that disastrous Lollapalooza Saturday I could literally watch things improve. On the following Sunday, everything was better organized, including me and my best friend, whom I had also failed to find the day before. We stuck together throughout the whole day and had a blast listening and jumping and dancing to the beat of our favourite bands. And I found it to be true that sometimes, all you need is that one friend. At the end of the day, I left the festival with my hope being restored – still without the slightest idea as to which step to take next, but curious about what life would bring me.

In this mood, I returned back to work and I managed to keep it up even though I did not seem to succeed in making any significant move. It was also during this time that one morning I listened to that familiar song on the radio and suddenly found something resonating inside of me.

Still feeling drawn between so many things that I wanted to do I felt unable to select and focus on just one of them. Which stopped me from making any move whatsoever. In this state of indecision I decided to for once decide on nothing at all and let fate, or life, or whatever you might want to call it, take over instead.

Ever since then I could not stop wondering about this one question: Is it true that, to achieve a meaningful life, you have to find out what makes you happy and then focus on this single thing with all your might until you finally succeed?  – An idea which I have encountered over and over again following all these motivational speakers and inspiring personalities I so admire.

Or is it better to let go and follow the voice of your intuition to wherever it may take you, without any predefined goal, and with both heart and mind wide open for whatever influences might hit you? And to thus take the alluring advice of that song?

Jump in, let’s go
Lay back, enjoy the show
Everybody gets high, everybody gets low
These are the days when anything goes

Without thinking much, and for the first time completely ignoring my inner critic going berserk time and again, I somehow ended up following the second approach and dived right into life without any obvious purpose whatsoever. I connected with friends, hosted people from all over the world, made even more friends, started reading books again, was at times addicted to all sorts of social media (there are so many of them!), experienced both loneliness and the happiest moments, found my passion in writing and found even more pleasure in singing … all that happening at the same time.

And all along, this song by Shery Crow accompanied me, seemingly supporting me in my choice, or rather, non-choice.

I still have not found the answer to my question. I have the feeling, though, that maybe, both alternatives are somehow right. Maybe there is a time for each of them. Recently, there have been first signs that my letting go and my openness might not have been the worst decision. And that I might be on the brink of new, promising developments.

So maybe, hopefully, I have chosen the right path, and I am curious to find out where it will lead me.

Even if I wanted to

So here I am, back from New York.

The ten days I spent there were so amazingly rich that, looking back, it feels like I have been away a month.

So here I am, in Berlin again. And yet, still in New York. And so I have spent my first week back in my old life trying to find my way back into it. After experiencing this feeling of ultimate freedom, happiness and anything being possible so intensely for those ten days I suddenly found it hard to confine myself again, to all the tasks and to dos and duties, which were still here, pending in the air and impatiently waiting for me to tackle them. Without me having the slightest idea where to start and what to do next to achieve…well…everything. To at least start moving again and resuming my life. And to find pleasure in the things I so loved again.

And so, panic took over. That reassuring part of me that always knows that life will go on and phases such as the one I am in right now will pass eventually suddenly seemed to be lost in the depths of my fears and doubts. And everyone around me, all my friends and my role models, seemed to be successful with such ease, while I could not even figure out my next step. Let alone follow suit. And while I stood there being paralyzed, my mind went havoc in its search for possible solutions. Which all did not seem to fit. So, in the end, this only added to this grim feeling of helplessnes.

Not being able to make sense of my life I felt that, maybe, I did not make sense. And that maybe I, with all my talents and gifts, my ideas and dreams, just did not fit in with this world.

Needless to say, no matching song found me. This seemed to hold true even for the Lollapalooza Festival, which took place in Berlin for the first time and which I attended with my friends. In fact, the first day turned out to be a series of mishaps leading to my friends and me missing most of the first part and then losing each other without any hope of finding each other again in the crowd.

And when things clearly could not feel any more disastrous – after spending half of the day on my own, frantically writing text messages which did no get out, after actually being peed on by a drunk guy who missed the bottle in which he tried to relieve himself, and while being harrassed by another drunk guy with the worst cockney English I have ever heard  – the final act saved my day.

I remembered loving this song a couple of years ago. And tuned in with the chorus and started singing along just like that. My world went a little brighter. The drunk guy was gone. And at that moment I just knew that life, however, would go on and the wheel would start turning again eventually.

I am aware that this is actually a song on gay love. But I am sure that Macklemore would not mind me borrowing it. After all, the central message, as I understand it, is this: that you are who you are and that you are perfect the way you are. No changing required.

So on that very evening, that song reminded me that I and my way of being do make sense. And that I would not be here like I am if I was not meant to be. Even if sometimes I feel like I do not fit in with this society. And even if I do not feel able to follow my friends’ suit. Since they all have their way and I have my own. Which, I am sure, will open up eventually and show me the next step to take.

As that quote by Shams Tabrizi, that close friend of Rumi says, which, fittingly, I found on Facebook today:

“Whatever happens to you, don’t fall in despair. Even if all the doors are closed, a secret path will be there for you that no one knows. You can’t see it yet but so many paradises are at the end of this path. Be grateful! It is easy to thank after obtaining what you want, thank before having what you want.”

So this has been my hymn for the past few days. Which keeps assuring me that, in the end, things will start moving again. And for the moment, this is enough to keep me going.

Because I can’t change, even if I tried. Or even if I wanted to.

(And I don’t want to anyway 🙂 )

Benediction

Originally, this post was supposed to feature a song about New York, this great city, where I will be travelling to tomorrow. To me, this means a dream come true, since I have never felt as free and happy as I have in New York.

But then, I came across this beautiful, breathtaking song by Luke Sital-Singh and could not resist using this one instead.

Because it totally captures the mood I am in at the moment, and the energy present in my life that includes everything from my travelling plans, to the inspiring people I have been encountering, to new projects and ideas I have.

It all started this summer, when some of the most inspiring people I have ever met brought this air of freedom and a completely new feeling to my life. Or maybe, it had been present all along and all I needed was someone to ignite it. In any case, this energy found me like a long lost friend and I felt happy the instant it poured all over me.

Life keeps bringing more and more of these amazing people to me. And with them comes that energy and the awareness that there are so many things that I still want to experience.

And that all I ever have is this moment.

And that I want to make the most of it, since I never know how long I will be in the position to do so.
In fact, nobody does. We just tend to forget sometimes, or to block the thought, while being absorbed by all these everyday challenges that, after all, do not really matter.

And this is what this song and its beautiful lyrics reminded me of, when I accidentally found it, on my way to work.

I have come to believe that, if we take the time, and the courage, to face not just the possibility, but the certain fact of us being limited, we might find that this adds another quality to our life. I found experiences to become more intense. And I found that I want exactly this: to experience life and everything in it, to “keep listening”, as Luke Sital-Singh puts it, to everything this amazing life presents me with.

And so I went and booked that trip to New York. And started to pursue my dreams, the things I feel are worth living for. And decided to, just for a moment, let go of all the self-imposed doubts and fears and just live.

And is it not amazing that tomorrow, the day of my journey to the destination of my dreams, will be the fifth anniversary of that moment in my life where the option of dying was so close to me that I could barely handle it? And which reminded me, after all, of the preciousness of life?

So, are you listening?

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Supplementary note:
This is not the only inspiring and beautiful song by Luke Sital-Singh. In fact, I had a hard time deciding for a particular song, since I found them all so beautiful.
If you feel you want to find out more about him, check out his website here: Luke Sital-Singh – official website

So this is it…

… I am starting my own blog. How could this happen?

In the course of my studies to become a journalist we were required to install our own blog. I didn’t like it. Wrote about two or three entries, which was the required number to finish this task, and then stopped it immediately.

After one of my closest friends had brought up the subject recently, the idea struck me while sitting on a train and at that moment I knew exactly what I would be writing about. So here I am, getting started all over again. And writing a blog that finally feels like mine and something I want to do.

This is going to be a blog about music, or rather, the impact that music, in the form of certain songs, has on me, my life and thinking. I am a music person and my life is constantly accompanied by songs which seem to find me at just the right time. Each of them tells something about where I am standing at that moment and inspires thoughts and ideas that help me grow. In the past few weeks I have encountered so many people who seemed to have a similar passion for music that my idea of writing that blog was fueled. So this is what I want to share with you.

And yet, there are these doubts. What if nobody wants to read it? What if I’m not good enough? What if I fail?

So maybe this is the perfect opportunity to dive right into it and share my first song recommendation, because, after all, it might have contributed to me getting started eventually. And it offers the perfect answer to all these self-doubts most of us seem to entertain deep down inside.

I have encountered these well known doubts a lot recently. In fact, they keep haunting me most of the time these days. There are so many things I would like to achieve, so many ideas and desires, and naturally, not all of them work out as planned and I have to face setbacks time and again. And so, this voice keeps coming into my head, never getting tired of asking its “What if”s.

And then, yesterday, this song found me. And with listening to this song came the calmness, and the assurance that maybe I am good enough. And maybe I am capable of inspiring people by just being the person I am. And maybe it’s worth trying.
I really needed that song and I think we all could do with more songs like that: to remind us that we don’t have to do or achieve anything to be valuable and that, in fact, we can put trust in ourselves.

A story I just read by a very gifted person I know reminded me that you never know whose lives you touch by simply being you and dedicating yourself with passion to whatever matters to you.

And so, finally, I came up with some new “What if”s:
What if I actually do have something to say? And what if, just like these songs keep finding me, the right people will find me too? And what if what I am is beautiful?

And what if, sometimes, all it takes is to just be you and put yourself out there; and shine bright, like a diamond?

But that might be another blog post…